A Real Blow-Out

This week I am two months pregnant. Along with the barfing, nausea, mood swings, frequent bathroom trips, and fatigue, everything else seems normal. Well, somewhat.

Unfortunately with this fatigue all day long comes an equally long night of insomnia. I can be up all hours of the night and then right when I do fall asleep, my body wakes me up because it's time to pee. Right now I frequent bathroom trips every 15-20 minutes. Doesn't make for a super restful night!

Aside from not sleeping, I have noticed that I have taken on a new and more offensive trucker-like quality. I have gas like no body's business! It's pretty revolting. I have started busting ass so much that even when I'm out in public I'll just let one go without the ability to control it and hold back! And, my anal audio seems to be turned all the way up! Yup, my quakes seem to be a 9.5 on the rectal scale these days. So embarrassing!

Friday while I was shopping in Target I bent over to pick up a picture frame that I liked and ripped the loudest fart I think I have ever heard. Just when I thought I was in the clear, two people walked by and stared at me as if I had just shit my pants. Thank goodness my husband was a few isles down because I think this fart could have been grounds for divorce. Seriously. I single handily am contributing to a strong percentage of air pollution with the amount of gas I'm producing.

So to sum it up, the last two weeks have been filled with TONS of colon quack and no sleep. Not a friendly combo. Hopefully this gets better soon. If not, then I would like to make a public apology for my stinkies in advance. Here's what I have learned this week: Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.

This BLOWS!!!! Seriously.

Sorry it has been a few days since my last post, but I have been diligently praying to the Porcelain Gods for the last 5 days. I think I have been in the same PJ's for 3 days now and just to be safe I am typing with a trash can right next to me. Better safe than sorry I say. I had actually thought I was in the clear the first couple of weeks but I was highly mistaken. Morning sickness (which is also bullshit, cause it's ALL DAY sickness) creeps up on you right when you think you're ahead of the game. Of course this would happen to me! See if you don't know me real well, I have to inform you of something called a Rachel-ism. A Rachel-ism is a circumstance or instance that if something can happen it will. To me. This directly involves, and is not limited to, well, EVERYTHING.

For Example: A Rachel-ism would involve not just nausea and vomiting, but explosive diarrhea too, right? RIGHT. Why not? Who doesn't want to spend their day swapping their face and ass out of the same spot every 20 minutes? SIGN ME UP!

I wanted to ask around about this "common problem"to see what people say. I thought you might be entertained by some of the reasons I have heard over the last couple of days as to why I am so sick.

Mom said, "Hunny, it's how you know your baby is healthy. Your placenta is rapidly growing and all the hormones give nausea you explosive ass."--Classic.

Grama said, "OHHHHHH you're gonna have a hairy baby!!" --WHAT?

Brother said, "It's cause you're fat, and it's your body's way of saying it's tired of you making it fat". --Logical.

My girlfriend said, "You just need to stay active, it will help."-- Thanks bitch, but I can barely drag my ass out of bed to puke my pretty little brains out and you want me to be active? Go fuck yourself.

Another Girlfriend texted me, "Don't worry, you'll be glowing in no time"--Puta, the only thing glowing are the beads of sweat on my upper lip and forehead from hanging on to the toilet for dear life.

I guess out of everything said, Ill go with Gramas being the most accurate. The only thing that could possibly make me this sick is if I was creating a little Chubacka. Thanks Grammie, you're always right on point!

Stay tuned...

Cirque Du Soleil, Here I Come!

Not like the entire world needs to know about my wild, out of control sex life but if you're on this blog then you're going to hear about it. (Sorry Mom and Dad).

The last few weeks has been filled with some nausea, cramping, bloated guts, emotional breakdowns, rapidly growing boobs. Doesn't sound like sex would be fun, right? WRONG.

Lets just say sex while pregnant is AHHHH-MAZING! Um, who would've thunk that doubling blood volume can lead to double the fun! Double the O bitches! On the weird side I seem to have become a cirque du soleil-like contortionist. How in Gods name did I become this flexible? I swear it felt like I could flip my legs around my head twice while bending backwards and doing a double back tuck. I have to say I was slightly wierded out. So being the curious little researcher that I am, I decided to look this new found flexibility up. Looks like there is a hormone that you develop while prego called Relaxin which suddenly makes you, well, a professional yogi! Apparently this hormone lubricates all of your joints, ligaments, and tendons making them super loose, bendable and elastic. Hooray! A new career opportunity has suddenly opened up! Move over acrobats, this fatty is on her trapeze swingin' way! Ohhhhhhhh yeah.

Best video EVER. (I'll have what she's having).

Temper-Mental & Tired.

So now that we know that I have finally stopped the ticker of my proverbial biological time clock, I'm wondering if my body knows what time it actually is. I have never been so tired in my life. I'm up ALL night long having to pee every 30 minutes, and then I want to sleep all day but can't . I practically just think of doing the dishes and get tired. Not only am I exhausted, but I'm disgustingly lazy too. Let me demonstrate. If the remote is too far for me to reach, I'll watch the channel that the TV is on (even if it's in Spanish). How fat is that???

Along with the tired, lazy, simply unmotivated behavior my zygote is causing me, I also have one more problem: I'm emotionally WHACK . Since pregnancy I seem to have developed temporary split personality disorder. Since I know that I am behaving crazily and simply cannot help it, I have decided to name my "crazy bitch" Regina. She's an evil, emotionally wound, uncontrollable, unstable, and simply psychotically irrational person. (Nothing like myself) Ha!

Today she made a guest appearance when my poor husband walked through the door. She started to cry and have a breakdown probably because he wasn't smiling enough or something. It's BIZARRE. Oh and also because I shrunk one of my favorite sweaters in the dryer. You would have thought that I lost a family member or something!

People say the second trimester is much better. Pleeeeassseeeee hurry week 12.

My Husband Said "Show me your boobs", and I pulled up my skirt.

I'm seriously wondering how it's possible to jump an entire cup size in a mere 5 weeks of pregnancy...

Now, I tried weighing out the pros and con's of this rapid influx of boob growth and here is what I came up with:

PROS
Bigger, more supple, Victoria Secret-like breasts.

CONS

You nipples look like they are the size of silver dollar pancakes from Denny's.

No one on earth can touch them without you wanting to stab out their eyeballs.

When the hell did they turn this shad of brown?????!!!!????

Under wire bras (the ones that push them up and make them look hot) DON'T WORK and hurt.

Unless I want to switch to a 34-Long, I have to stop walking around without a bra.

Oh, and don't be surprised if you sprout a random hair or two around your pancake (I can't make that up.) WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Conclusion? Growing ta-ta's ain't nothing to write home about. If your husband can't fondle them without you feeling like you want to yank his wanker to his knees to make him feel similar pain, it's not worth all the fuss. Oh, and I also realized if I don't want to look like I could nurse a snake standing up by the end of this pregnancy, Ill have to drop ANOTHER seven thousand dollars to lift these suckers back up to where I put them 3 years ago. Well Dr. Saltz, it looks as if you're going to the Bahamas (ON ME) yet again.

Oh shit! I'm Pregnant.

So although my husband and I had decided we wanted to try to have kids, nothing really prepares you for the moment that you find out that you're actually pregnant.

My mom was cooking breakfast and I was at the table and the second she put the sausage on to cook I ran to the bathroom to barf my brains out. She must have heard me because she yelled from the kitchen "You're pregnant! Go piss on a stick! Although, I don't need no stick to tell me that you're pregnant." GREAT. I did, and once again for the millionth time in my life, she was right.

I texted my husband the picture of the positive pregnancy test. His response? "Hello, morning sickness." Not exactly what I had hoped for, but whatever, he was at work.

So now the fun starts, right? Wait...is this going to be fun? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?





This was dad right after I told him he was going to be a Grandpa.


Now if only your body would stay this way the entire time! Pregnancy would be great! Riiiiiiiiigggghhhhhhttttttt.