Natural MY ASS!

So please don't chastise me for not posting nearly as often as I should, but I figured I would spare you from talking about the more uncommon issues of pregnancy that I have experienced the past few weeks. Now don't get me wrong, I surely have experienced some very common aggravating symptoms as well. For example in the past month I have had MULTIPLE bacterial infections, bronchitis, persistent Rhinitis and a few other minor nuisances. Details.

Since some of you asked I will be brief about the more uncommon pregnancy issue I have had. Simply put I have been diagnosed with a genetic blood clotting disorder. With this disorder I have to give myself daily injections of a blood thinner along with taking a baby aspirin at bedtime to keep my blood nice and thin and avoid getting blood clots. Good times. I thought that the shots were going to be the worst part of the news, but I was sadly mistaken. The last doctor appointment I had they happily gave me the news that due to this clotting issue I would have to have NATURAL CHILD BIRTH. WHHHHAAAATTTTT?????

ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME? NATURAL CHILD BIRTH? I think not.


From the moment I got pregnant I had decided that I was naturally going to do just as every woman who cares about vaginal preservation and have a C-Section, DUH! When they told me this was out of the questions I asked about having an epidural. Their answer? NOPE, NO EPIDURAL. It can cause a clot on the spinal cord so this is out of the question as well. Holy hell, what am I going to do?

Now I know natural child birth may seem like nothing to some women, but to me this is ridiculous. If there are drugs to lessen the pain, why not use them? So now I am looking into alternate ways of taking away the pain, and aside from having someone come in the room and hit me over the head with a baseball bat until I black out there isn't much I can do. Unfair, simply unfair. Now, I'm sure you are asking yourself about why I would opt for a C-Section and what I mean by "vaginal preservation". Let me enlighten you. So yes, a cesarean section has a longer time for recovery, etc, etc BUT (and really there is no pun intended) vaginal delivery can wreak havoc on ALL of the precious goods. I had learned early on from a few friends who have had a procedure called an episiotomy that vaginal delivery is not the best way to go. What is an episiotomy you ask? Well now this is where they take a lovely scalpel (remember NO DRUGS!) and cut your petunia from A to Z. (More like from vag to ass) Yep! And the alternative? TEARING from vag to ass.

This is not something I am willing to experience, thank you very much. So C section I opted for. For Christ sakes, I have had my tits done and my neck practically replaced so cutting through my belly to pull out my precious bundle of joy is a cinch!

So let the the negotiation with these doctors begin! There will be NO WAY on Gods green earth that I will have natural child birth. As it is this kid is going to be huge (have you seen my husband??) and I would really love to keep my petunia nice and pretty just like he found it. END OF DISCUSSION.